I couldn't sleep until morning;

You know in movies and books and sometimes even people you know in real life, talk about the one moment that changed their life.
Made them look at everything differently.
Made them change as a person, as a friend, as a daughter.

On Saturday December 13, Shawn Hughes hung himself.
That was my life-changing moment.
Well, when I found out on Sunday.

You never know how hard it is to lose someone until it actually happens.
When I first found out he was gone, I didn't believe it, then I just couldn't grasp what had been said.
It didn't fully register until the next day when I saw everyone at school.
I never realized how much I needed him to be there.

I know everyone tells me not to feel this way, but I do anyway and I'm going to write it down because it's going to make me feel better.
In a way I feel responsible for what happened.
He told me he was going to do it and I just sat there and did nothing about it.
I wish I would have talked to him more and found out what his problems were.
I wish I would have confronted him when I saw the cuts on his wrist but I just stood back and watched a train wreck in slow motion.

I feel empty.
Half the time I'm somewhere but I don't feel like I'm there, almost like and out of body experience.
I think differently, I'm scared of everything basically, thinking "Can this kill me?".
I'm scared of death now.
I cry a lot more.
I'm emotional.
I'm hurting every single relationship I have with people.

Shawn, if you can see this, and even if you can't I'll write it anyways.
You were a fantastic person.
I never saw you mad.
I never saw you intentionally hurt another person.
I saw you smile and laugh, and do the partyboy.
I hope wherever you are now you're immune to pain because it's the last thing you deserve to feel.
I also hope where ever you are I can go there so I can see you again.
I love you.