You're nothing but a delusion;

Wednesday was nothing but a day so I'm going to skip ahead to Thursday.
Thursday was the viewing.
I went through the whole day being bothered by at least 20 people asking me if I was going to the viewing.
I heard at least 30 people saying that they were going to the viewing.
People kept wanting to talk about it, but I really didn't want to at all.
So after school I had to go to my Chem class and get help with all the work I had missed.
So I stayed there not very long and after that I went to art club.
Me, Megan, and Christina were doing paper mache, although I don't think it was real paper mache because it was clear and gel-like, not white and watery.
It was fun but half the time I felt like I was dreaming and I wasn't really there.

After art club I went home and waited until 6 so I could go to the viewing.
In the meantime I changed my clothes so many times.
I didn't want to wear jeans, but I couldn't find my dress pants anywhere.

So when we got there we went right inside.
We were trying to find his mom to give her the flowers we got for her.
We couldn't find her so we signed in and Noel found her for us.
We waited in line to go up to the casket.
I was going to put my rose in there.
She was sitting right next to the casket.
I got right up next to it and a guy was leaning over it covering Shawn's face.
I flipped out and just left.
I gave his mother the flowers and talked to her for a minute.
Then I went outside for some air.
I was trying to wait for Megan to get there before I went up.
Noel kind of forced me to go up though.
I just stood there for a minute looking at him, then I put my rose in there and ran outside.
I fell down.
I couldn't even breathe.
Noel picked me up and I tried to walk further but I was crushed between like 3 different people.
Then the next thing I knew I was in my AVID teacher's arms.
She was crying too.
For some reason she calmed me down without saying one word.
I just felt safer with her then I did with my friends.

When Megan finally got there I went up to the casket again with her.
This time I put in my Jesus necklace.
So did she.
It just seemed like the right thing to do because I always wore it.
Then we both ran out and I fell down in the grass and got my butt and hands all dirty and Megan sat down next to me on the sidewalk.
I cried and rambled without even thinking about anything but the pain that I and everyone else was feeling.

Then we went inside again.
They said they were going to close the casket soon and I wanted to say goodbye for real.
I went up and kneeled down.
I didn't say anything aloud, just thought it in my head.
Then his mom told all of his friends to go into the other room.
She asked us to sit down and then she gave us a lecture on friendship and suicide games and she talked about Nichole.
I cried the whole way through it.
I talked to Rebecca and we decided that we were never even mad at each other.

After that we all went outside.
I saw Timmy crying.
Timmy who never cries about anyhting.
Who always laughs.
I told all of my friends I loved them because I want to make sure they all know it.
Then my mom came and got me and Jen and we went to Wal-Mart.
I saw Kayitlyn and Rebecca there.
Then I went home and just passed out on my mom's bed.