50 things that influence my life;

Idea from LiveLavaLive A.K.A Mitchell Davis.

1)My mom
2)Harry Potter(everything about him)
3)Silverstein(favorite band/first show)
4)Myspace
5)Contacts(because I wear them)
6)Spyro the Dragon (favorite video game)
7)Dying my hair
8)Akon
9)England(because I want to live there)
10)Megan Hoban(My best friend)
11)Google(because I don't know a lot of stuff but Google does)
12)My friends
13)Project Runway
14)Garden State(the movie)
15)Winter
16)Dr.Pepper(favorite drink)
17)The color green
18)Long car rides(they help me relax)
19)Lip rings
20)LiveLavaLive
21)Live above the influence organization(I don't do drugs or drink, or smoke)
22)Ipods
23)Self-respect
24)Ryan Reynolds(favorite actor)
25)Jesus and Jesus Christ Superstar
26)Shawn Hughes (he taught me more in less then a year then I've learned my whole life-time)
27)Chapstick
28)Slip on shoes(because I'm lazy)
28)Decemeber 10th(it's my birthday)
29)The dark(I'm afraid of it)
30)Mythology
31)To write love on her arms organization
32)Youtube
33)Derrick Comedy
34)CSI and Forensic Files(because I want to be a CSI)
35)Nigel Jones(best male friend/boyfriend ever, even if we're broken up)
36)Books-a-million(because books rule my life)
37)Blogging
38)Abstract art(because it makes me think and feel more)
39)Maryland(where I live)
40)Eyeliner/eyeshadow
41)Singing
42)Swingsets
43)Alex Evans
44)Hardcore/screamo music, and screamo music with techno beats, and scene gangster music(basically every type of music)
45)Japanese people(because I think their amazing and creative)
46)Penguins(because I pronounce it pingwings)
47)Sonny Moore(my inspiration)
48)School(because I have to go to it and I enjoy it sometimes)
49)Bonfires(because I go to them frequently)
50)Love

I got the concept;

Lately I've been having dreams.
Really weird dreams.
Bad dreams.
I guess their nightmares.

Every night I would dream things like car wrecks or explosions.
And I roll and kick and apparently say things in my sleep.
Or so my mom says.

I guess it affected me subconsciously too.

18 years, 18 years, and on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn't his;

So, I'm pretty much obsessed with Kanye West right now.
I've been listening to Gold Digger, Love Lockdown, and Heartless repeatedly.

We can't make up for the lost times that we both apologize for;

I live for the days when me and my mom go on adventures and then get lost in downtown Baltimore.

"Are we lost yet?"-Me
"You know it"-Mom

Zoom away, zoom away I'm jumping on my rocketship;

Christmas this year.
I liked the parts where we were all together.

I woke up at 8 to my mom pulling the covers off of me like a little child.
Then I went downstairs and waited at the tree until everyone else was awake which is what I do usually every year.
Then we opened our presents, but I didn't get any actually presents, I just got money and a stocking.
My dad apparently found a Harry Potter stocking so I got that.
Then me and my sisters opened our "family" presents, or the presents were supposed to share.
We got Trivial Pursuit games which I love.
Then we ate except me because I wasn't hungry.
Then we just sat around and my dad said we were going to my grandmother's house at 12 so me and Jen went to get ready.
Then we drove to my grandmother's house.
I read my book on the way because it was so good I couldn't put it down.
When we got there we opened our presents.
I got this sweater with penguins that I know I'm never going to wear and a little money and a gift card to Hot Topic (at least she knows me a little bit).
Then when we were done we ate.
I took a power nap because I was tired and I woke up just as my cousins got there.
I didn't enjoy most of the time we spent over our grandmother's house especially when our cousins are there because I get ignored.
Not only me but all of us.
My grandmother favors my cousins.
I've learned to live with it.

Back to the happy parts.
When we left we went home and picked up our mom and went to the movies.
We bought drinks, which they sadly only had Desani water and went to the theater.
We saw The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.
When the previews came on some guy came and sat right next to me and stole my armrest.
He literally just pushed my arm right off of it.
Then he kept falling asleep and it was so funny me and Jen couldn't stop laughing.
The movie was really good.
By the end I had to pee so bad I thought my bladder was exploding but being the stubborn person I am I refused to use the public bathrooms, so I had to endure the bumpy ride home.

After we all came home and had a little snack me, Jen, Tuesday, and my mom played Disney Trivial Pursuit.
it was fun and funny, especially because the Mary Poppins questions kept coming up and I hate that movie.
It was a fun Christmas.

Baby it's cold outside;

Sorry, all that fake enthusiasm hurts my face.

A smile on my face;

You know, I'm not excited for Christmas this year.
I don't know why for certain but I have my speculations.
It could be because of Shawn.
My feelings are just so overwhelmed that I can't really feel genuinly happy.
Or maybe Christmas just seems insignificant now.

Also I was thinking maybe it's because I'm getting older, so it's not all candy canes and Santa Claus anymore.

Or maybe it's because I know what I'm getting and I helped my mom wrap it?

I don't know.

The better half of me;

So, I've realized that I lie.
A lot.
Not big lies, but little lies.
Things that don't even need to be lied about.
I'm stopping this now.

Don't you know what happens in the past;

On Saturday I was doing better.
Until my dad woke up at like 4.
He came up and was pissed and then he said something to Jen and she got pissed.
My mom asked Tuesday something and she got an attitude.
So my mom got pissed and yelled at Tuesday.
Then Tuesday got pissed and went upstairs.
So I went upstairs because I wanted to play a video game.
Tuesday kicked me out and then my parents were yelling for us to clean our room.
So I went upstairs where Jen was and I started cleaning and I started flipping out.
I was just talking to myself basically and I threw things and then I was thinking about how Jen's face probably looked and I started laughing.
Somewhere along the line me and Jen started screaming at each other and I lost it.
My mom told me to get dressed, grab all my money, and get out to the car.
I did and she drove me to the mall.
When we got there we could not find a parking spot and then my mom said that the recession must not be that bad if everyone could afford to go to the mall.
We finally found a parking spot and went in.
We went in Hot Topic to exchange Jen's jacket for a smaller one.
Then we walked around.
We went in Spencer's.
Then we went to Johnny Rockets and my mother was talking about finding a good black brother.
My mom stole a glass from there.
Then we went to Gamestop.
I saw a Harry Potter video game that I didn't have and I bought it.
They said they didn't have the type of memory card I was looking for, so we went to F.Y.E.
They said that they don't make those kinds of memory cards.
Then we were walking around looking for Best Buy and we found another Gamestop.
I don't know why they would put two of the same store in one mall.
So we went in there and asked them the same question and the guy gave me a memory card.
Then we went to Cinnabon and then we left.

Bring me back to life;

On Friday I went to the funeral.
I went to school ad stayed until 4th period.
I had to leave at 10:30 but my 4th period teacher wouldn't let me leave until I finished my test.
So I did it really fast and left.
When I got to the lobby everyone else was waiting for me.
It was Me, Jen, Cheyenne, Cody, and Megan, plus my mom.
We drove to the church and all stepped in the huge puddle that none of us saw.
I forgot to say that it was raining, actually it was pouring.
We didn't know which door we were supposed to go in so me and Cheyenne walked up to the wrong door.
Then we got in and sat down.
The funeral started.
I wasn't aware that they were going to ask us to sing and pray.
They asked us to sing a song and me and Megan couldn't find it in the book so I laughed and I felt horrible for laughing at a funeral.
It was really not like Shawn at all, all the talk of God and Jesus.
Then when it was over we all gathered in the parking lot and waited for our rides.
When my mom got there we all piled in and she took us to McDonalds.
The drivethrough window was so high off the ground and we were pondering about that the whole ride to Kayla's.
Then Cheyenne said it might be because so many people were in the car and me and Megan were very confused but everyone else in the car seemed to understand what she was talking about so we had to have Cody explain it to us.
When we got to Kayla's Cheyenne and Megan had to get their stuff out of the trunk and my mom did that pulling away thing while they were trying to get their stuff.
We walked in Kayla's house laughing our bums off.
When we got there John, Austin, Brittany, Ben, and I girl I didn't know were there.
A couple minutes after we got there they left to go to Robby's.
We stayed at Kayla's and watched CSI for four hours while I took a power nap.
Then Milk Bottle came over and we played Guitar Hero.
Milk Bottle surprised us all by singing, very badly.
Then, sadly, Milk Bottle had to leave.
We ended up staying in the same spots for 10 hours and 15 minutes.
Before we left we had an hour long discussion about old toys and stuff.
Kayla's mom said she was going to get us all Tomakachi's for Christmas and she is actually going to get them.
Them Megan's dad drove us home and me, Megan, and Jen tried to sing three different songs at one time.

You're nothing but a delusion;

Wednesday was nothing but a day so I'm going to skip ahead to Thursday.
Thursday was the viewing.
I went through the whole day being bothered by at least 20 people asking me if I was going to the viewing.
I heard at least 30 people saying that they were going to the viewing.
People kept wanting to talk about it, but I really didn't want to at all.
So after school I had to go to my Chem class and get help with all the work I had missed.
So I stayed there not very long and after that I went to art club.
Me, Megan, and Christina were doing paper mache, although I don't think it was real paper mache because it was clear and gel-like, not white and watery.
It was fun but half the time I felt like I was dreaming and I wasn't really there.

After art club I went home and waited until 6 so I could go to the viewing.
In the meantime I changed my clothes so many times.
I didn't want to wear jeans, but I couldn't find my dress pants anywhere.

So when we got there we went right inside.
We were trying to find his mom to give her the flowers we got for her.
We couldn't find her so we signed in and Noel found her for us.
We waited in line to go up to the casket.
I was going to put my rose in there.
She was sitting right next to the casket.
I got right up next to it and a guy was leaning over it covering Shawn's face.
I flipped out and just left.
I gave his mother the flowers and talked to her for a minute.
Then I went outside for some air.
I was trying to wait for Megan to get there before I went up.
Noel kind of forced me to go up though.
I just stood there for a minute looking at him, then I put my rose in there and ran outside.
I fell down.
I couldn't even breathe.
Noel picked me up and I tried to walk further but I was crushed between like 3 different people.
Then the next thing I knew I was in my AVID teacher's arms.
She was crying too.
For some reason she calmed me down without saying one word.
I just felt safer with her then I did with my friends.

When Megan finally got there I went up to the casket again with her.
This time I put in my Jesus necklace.
So did she.
It just seemed like the right thing to do because I always wore it.
Then we both ran out and I fell down in the grass and got my butt and hands all dirty and Megan sat down next to me on the sidewalk.
I cried and rambled without even thinking about anything but the pain that I and everyone else was feeling.

Then we went inside again.
They said they were going to close the casket soon and I wanted to say goodbye for real.
I went up and kneeled down.
I didn't say anything aloud, just thought it in my head.
Then his mom told all of his friends to go into the other room.
She asked us to sit down and then she gave us a lecture on friendship and suicide games and she talked about Nichole.
I cried the whole way through it.
I talked to Rebecca and we decided that we were never even mad at each other.

After that we all went outside.
I saw Timmy crying.
Timmy who never cries about anyhting.
Who always laughs.
I told all of my friends I loved them because I want to make sure they all know it.
Then my mom came and got me and Jen and we went to Wal-Mart.
I saw Kayitlyn and Rebecca there.
Then I went home and just passed out on my mom's bed.

I remember your face;

Last Monday I was sitting in Geometry and a girl in my class got called down to guidance.
Then my teacher told me I could go if I needed to.
I started crying before I got out of the room.
Then I heard people in my homeroom laughing about it.
I wanted to turn around and punch them in the face.
I got to the conference room and I was immediately surrounded by people.
I saw Megan and Cody and Kayla and everyone.
Then they moved us to the auditorium because the conference room was way too small.
They made us walk outside because they didn't want us to distract other people I guess.
When we got there everyone was making cards and signs for Shawn and his mother.
I remember crying on everyone.
I remember trying to comfort other people though I couldn't be comforted myself.
I remember Coehill trying to talk to us and basically blaming us for what had happened.
I remember talking to people I haven't talked to in almost a year.
I remember seeing my friends cry.
I remember seeing my sister cry.

Then they told us to break off into small groups so we could get counseling.
None of us would break away from each other so we had to have a bigger group.
Once again we went back to the conference room.
Timmy and Ben and Dan we're making jokes and I was getting ready to snap on them.
They were just talking it too far.

They made us go back to class and I just couldn't stand it.
I could not go to chemistry.

After school we all went to Kayla's house.
I can't really remember what we did but I know at some point we got up to leave and as soon as we walked out the door Timmy, James, and Tom drove up.
Then we went next door to see if CJ was there and we talked to him for a while.
Then we eventually left for real.
We walked around and didn't do anything.
People climbed on buildings and whatnot.
Then I went home.

Wow, my memory's for shit.

I couldn't sleep until morning;

You know in movies and books and sometimes even people you know in real life, talk about the one moment that changed their life.
Made them look at everything differently.
Made them change as a person, as a friend, as a daughter.

On Saturday December 13, Shawn Hughes hung himself.
That was my life-changing moment.
Well, when I found out on Sunday.

You never know how hard it is to lose someone until it actually happens.
When I first found out he was gone, I didn't believe it, then I just couldn't grasp what had been said.
It didn't fully register until the next day when I saw everyone at school.
I never realized how much I needed him to be there.

I know everyone tells me not to feel this way, but I do anyway and I'm going to write it down because it's going to make me feel better.
In a way I feel responsible for what happened.
He told me he was going to do it and I just sat there and did nothing about it.
I wish I would have talked to him more and found out what his problems were.
I wish I would have confronted him when I saw the cuts on his wrist but I just stood back and watched a train wreck in slow motion.

I feel empty.
Half the time I'm somewhere but I don't feel like I'm there, almost like and out of body experience.
I think differently, I'm scared of everything basically, thinking "Can this kill me?".
I'm scared of death now.
I cry a lot more.
I'm emotional.
I'm hurting every single relationship I have with people.

Shawn, if you can see this, and even if you can't I'll write it anyways.
You were a fantastic person.
I never saw you mad.
I never saw you intentionally hurt another person.
I saw you smile and laugh, and do the partyboy.
I hope wherever you are now you're immune to pain because it's the last thing you deserve to feel.
I also hope where ever you are I can go there so I can see you again.
I love you.

Imagine me and you;

Today I woke up and I was all sore.
Fo no apparent reason.
I can't think of anything at all I might have did.

I didn't sleep on the bed any different then I do every other night.
Maybe it's growing pains?
Hopefully.

My jaw aches, repetition;

I forgot to mention my other birthday present.
Cody got me a ........


JESUS BLANKET!

It was the best thing ever.
Even though my parents wouldn't stop questioning me about it.
I get to sleep with Jesus every night!

Gather all the strength you can;

You know, I'm sick of people always thinking I keep tabs on Megan.
And that she keeps tabs on me.
I mean they seriously act like we're vagina buddies.

I am not with Megan 24/7, so stop asking me what she's doing or where she is all the time.
And stop asking her where I am and what I'm doing all the time.

Will you still be in love with me?;

If you haven't noticed I'm in a very cursy mood.
They just keep slipping out.

Which reminds me.
Earlier my mom went to say "What the fuck?".
But she accidentally said "What the feck?"
And I bust out laughing like a maniac.

Wow, I'm weird.

I'm with you now forevermore;

Pathetic, Immature boys, leave me alone.
I need a man, not you and all your bullshit.

I hope it all works out;

Everyday this week has seemed to be good.
I don't really remember Monday or Tuesday.
Wednesday was my birthday, so it was automatically good.
Plus Nigel actually called me and we're friends again which is one of the best birthday presents I've ever gotten.
Then on Thursday school was good.
Then I had to work on baby class stuff and me and Lindy get along pretty well.
I guess I always feel kind of stressed around her because of the whole Megan thing.
Then after that I went to art club.
It was fun because we spent most of the time in th darkroom, except for when me and Cody went on an adventure to find Jen.
Then my dad came and picked us up and we went to Olive Garden.
We speculated over ht emany ways of napkin folding.
Then we laughed when everyone's drink got messed up.
Then Cody and jen tried to get the people to come over and sing happy birthday to me, but they didn't so ahahaha.
Then we left.
It was nice, and my dad wasn't weird about Cody being there.
Today I tried to come to school after 2nd period, but Tuesday wouldn't shut up and made a whole bunch of noise so my mom woke up and we got there in the middle of 2nd period.
Me and Jen walked the halls for a while and thought about how they'll just let anyone with a red piece of paper walk around in the hall.
Then I went to class and had a good day after that.

It's just something in the air that puts me there.
In a happy place.

I have a million...

People, screaming my name, telling me what to do.
Minds, giving advice, which I rarely take.
Hearts, beating for you.
Knives, killing my heart, because of you.

Haha, I just made that up.
It's kind of "emo", but I think it has potential.

You better watch your back;

On my birthday, I did nothing.
Everyone wished me Happy Birthday, which was nice, and we didn't seem to have a lot of work in school which was just a lucky coincidence.
It was 60 degrees outside though.
60 fucking degrees in December!
That's not natural.
I went home and opened my cards.
For some reason those cards make me feel all fuzzy inside.
It feels like someone wrote that card just for me.
I got money, and that was it.
I'm not complaining, I'm glad I got money.
Then I ate cake and watched Jeopardy.
That was my birthday.
And for some reason I really loved it.

Softly just lay here;

It's only 5 days to my birthday.
I'm just feeling..... normal.
I never feel like I get any older on my birthdays.
When I think about it, I haven't really changed that much since I was 12.
I'm going on 15 now.

I don't know what to think.

The light from the east coast off your eyes screams please don't go;

Today just seemed like a perfect day.
Nothing went wrong.
I wasn't tired.
I felt happy.
I looked pretty.
I took a new picture for my myspace and various other websites I use.
I felt like nothing was going to bring me down.

I went to Chick-Fil-A and got a nifty hat.
xD
I figured out how to make a video on my camera.
Now if I can just figure out how to upload it to youtube I can reply to LLL's 5o Things video.

That reminds me, I was watching some of the people's replies and I found one that stuck out to me.
It was some guy from Washington.
His list was just so deep, and it was like mine.
He had basically the same things I had.
Maybe it's just a coincidence, too bad I don't believe in them....