I've been hoping and praying for a single way;

Now I know how Megan feels when I don't get on and blog a lot.
She hasn't been on for a while so I have nothing to keep me entertained while I'm online.


On Thursday Sham left to go on his stupid vacation to Florida.
I don't get why you would wait all summer and then when school starts take a vacation, but anyway.
On Wednesday, he came over my house wait with me until my mother came home so we could ask her if we could go to Lindy's.
We started having a homework party because we were just sitting there in my dining room, being silent looking at one piece of paper trying to decide what that answer was.
Megan and Lindy called at real man time and we sang the theme song, while Sham was completely dumbfounded and I wouldn't tell him what was going on.
Then we left and had to go to the twins house.

I don't really remember what happened after that because I started writing this blog like a week ago and I never finished it.
All I remember is we watched Jesus Christ Superstar.
xD.

I'm just scared the world hates you;

I hate freshman.
I know I shouldn't be saying that, because I was a freshman just last year, but they annoy the crap out of me.
They walk so slow in the hallway which make it impossible for me to get to my gym class on time.
They act like complete morons.
Me and my friends didn't act like that last year.
They think they own the school, and they think that they can litterally push you around.
They are just so immature.
Not to mention not that many of them are people I would usually associate with.
The school is definietly over-crowded.
They need to get rid of some of these people.

Even if saving you sends me to heaven;

On Friday I went to the mall for the first time in forever.
It was fun.
I dressed up as a important business man and I got to wear a dinosaur tie, and Lindy was Jesus James who worked at Home Depot.Me and Megan are now transvestites because The twins' parents told the lady behind the counter at Claire's that the boys wanted to get their ears pierced and she pointed towards where we were and the lady gave us a weird look and said we were good transvestites.
Timmy and James didn't even cry when they got their ears pierced.
Booo!

Then we ran away because we "had to get tampons"
A phrase here which means "went to our secret hiding spot to hang out with awesome Mark."
We told him jokes for hours until we left to find out more jokes form people.
Ben gave us one and some random guy.
The twins weren't much help at all.
So we went to Borders and looked fro joke books.
Then we went to borrow a pen from Mark so we could write down key words, and we were shocked to find other people with Mark!
The nerve of some people!

Then we felt bad because we didn't hang out with the twins the whole time.
Then Timmy texted us and told us that they left, but James texted and asked us where we were.
We went to the pit to wait for them and their parents scared the crap out of us by sneaking up behind us.
Then we left and the same song was on the radio like the whole time we were in the car.
It was fun.
I'm definitely going back next weekend.

You're dress looks better on the floor;

I realized that there were a couple of things I forgot to blog about.
First I never told you about the whole schedule changing day.
Well, Megan went to Darra's house at 5 a.m.
She called me and said that they were going to go up to the school soon.
I fell asleep until 7 so I woke up and had to rush up there because they were already there.
You would not believe the line at 6:55 a.m.
Darra, Emily, Katie, Autumn, and Jerry "Tginas" got their schedules changed really fast but Megan had this guy named Travis Green in front of her and he took forever, hence the spawn of our new term "stop being Travis Green"
Then after they all got their stuff done, we left and went to Katie's house.
Me , Megan, Darra, Emily, Autumn and Katie had a fun time just talking and then calling PHILBRO *said in a raspy voice* but not telling him who it was.
Then me and Megan went back up there to get our schedules changed and we called James and asked him to sign me in but he wouldn't.
Then we waited for like 4 hours literally until I could change one class on my schedule.
It was fun hanging out with them.

Sing a sad song just to turn it around;

You know I'm really glad that me and Darra are friends again.
When me and Megan were first going to hang out with her I was afraid that we wouldn't get along like we used to.
I was wrong about that.
We hit it off.
Now I'm really happy I made up with her.
Today I sat with her at Lunch and it was more fun then yesterday when I sat with Lindy.
I feel kind of bad for saying this but Lindy ignores me when other people are around.
Darra and her friends are just so crazy, like me.
I never would have thought she would be just like me, looking at the way all my other best friends from Lansdowne turned out.
I think by the end of the year we're going to be good friends.

I'm sorry if I hide;

For some reason I recently have had teh urge to curse a lot.
Maybe it's because I haven't for so long, or because everyone I hang out with people who curse a lot.
I just really want to.
I haven't said any yet, but I've been thinking about it.
I don't know what's happening to me.

Reference to a song you love;

Second day of school, was almost better.
My English class is hilarious.
Cheyenne helps me with math.
I found someone to talk to in gym, or as they insist on calling it "fitness foundations".
The only thing I don't like is my second period, which is child development.
I really want to switch out but it's the only class that me and Megan have together.
I think me Megan, Lindy and Darra should all switch out.
I just hope that there is something good to switch into.

Everyone knows I'm in over my head;

After the first day of school, it went downhill.
Actually it was when my mom got home.
She was bugging me and telling me to do all this stupid crap, when I was trying to do my homework.
Then she asked me to help her pack her lunch and when I got up to help her she was like "I don't need your help, go sit down, go sit down"
That made me feel really bad for some reason, so I started crying a little and went upstairs to call Megan.
I just felt so overwhelmed about everything.
School, home life, everything.
I can tell this is going to be a fun year.
She made me feel better.
I can always count on her to help me out.
Then when I got off the phone with her Nigel called me.
It was all fine at first, but then I told him what happened today and we had a row.
I don't even know why.
It's just recently every time I call him he makes me feel like crap about everything.
He's just been treating me like shit and I'm sick of it.
So I called Shawn, and told him everything.
I mean everything.
He just said all the right things.He really cares about me.
It amazes me but scares me at the same time.

Thinking of the words to say;

Monday was the first day of school.
I could hardly sleep, I was so excited to go back.
Megan's dad picked me and Jen up the first day.
We arrived to find that someone had taken over our flagpole spot, so we had to re-invade it.
It was just so nice to see all my friends again.
It was like we didn't even not see each other all summer.
We were just back to normal.

I love my schedule.
I have first period with Cheyenne, second with Lindy, Darra and Megan, third with Kayla, Michelle and Nichole, fourth with Nichole and Lindy, fifth with Shawn, C lunch with Shawn, Darra, Emily, Conor, Lindy, Cody, Nichole, Griffin, and Nick, and maybe more people, then I have sixth period with Cheyenne, Griffin, and Brian K., then I have seventh, which is gym and I don't know anyone in that class.
I loved the first day so much, but I had to write a 5 paragraph essay for English.
They don't call it school for nothing.

As free as the wind blowing down the road;

On Saturday I hung out with Lindy.
Well, first I went and got my hair cut.
I had this really nice gay guy named Rick.
He was a really good hair cutter.
He told me that my hair was dying from all the bleach.
I thought I was going to burst out in tears when he said that.

Then when I got home I called Lindy so we could hang out.
She walked up my house to get me.
When we walked back, as we were crossing the footbridge, this guy was trying to sell us weed and he thought Lindy's name was Katie.
For some reason I found that hilarious.
We walked straight to the light rail station.
While we were walking there this car came flying down the road with one door opened, then it slammed shut and slowed down.
It was a car full of Mexicans and they started shouting stuff at us.
We couldn't understand what they were saying though, but I heard the word mommy.
Proof that I attract Mexicans.
It was funny because when we were walking up there I said "It would be funny if you were standing right there and then the train came, but you couldn't get on it fast enough.".
Then we were trying to actually but tickets we didn't realize that the machine we were at didn't take dollar bills, and the people were hogging the good machine.
So we got our tickets like 5 seconds to late to catch the train.
Ironic, huh?

Well, we got on the next train and stood on that thing connecting the cars.
Then we accidentally got off at the wrong stop, but the stop we were originally supposed to get off at was literally 30 feet away.
Then we went on this rant about why they stops were so close together and you would have to be lazy to get on one stop and get off at the next when it's literally in plain view.
We went to the vegjaco place and got some.
They were delicious.
We found a guy sitting in a really small room.
We also found out that the Vegjaco restaurant gives out pop-tarts to everyone once a year for no reason.

Then we decided to walk around.
We went to the fountain and made wishes with pennies.
Lindy took my picture with this SEXY statue of a fat guy.
This one guy asked us if we wanted to buy tickets but he never told us to what.

We went to this little mall.
Not the gallery, some other place.
We went into this awesome store called Hats in the Belfry.
They had many hats.
We went into the swatch store to discover that all the swatches were like 50 to 155 dollars.
Blasphemy I say!

It was fun, but then we had to leave because we didn't want to have to ride the light-rail while it was dark.
We went back to Lindy's and I started dying Lindy's hair.
Then while we waited we watched Jesus Christ Superstar, the best movie ever.
We realized that the reason that Jesus dyed was because he smashed a whole bunch of mirrors so he got super-mega-bad luck.
Lindy's hair turned out awesome.
I was proud, but it turned my hands purple.
Then I went home.

All my friends say that I'm gone but I swear I'm not;

So me and Shawn, I think we've hit it off pretty good.
He's been coming over my house a lot lately.
The other day he came over and spent the whole day at my house.
Now my family knows we go out.
I'm just glad I didn't have to be the one to tell them, because he told them basically.
He helped me dye my hair, which is amazing.
Orange and red like fire.
It was supposed to have yellow in it but it didn't work that well.
I'm not worried about it though.
We watched a movie.
Then we put in another one and left for Wal-Mart because my mother and Jen wanted to get their eyebrows done.
Then when we got there the guy said that the eyebrow wax machine thing was broken and we should come back next weekend.
While we were leaving I shouted "Calvin you're cool!" at the eyebrow guy and gave him a thumbs up and my mom hit me and called me a weirdo.
So we went on an adventure to find a place that waxed eyebrows.
We found a nail place and and Jan wouldn't go in and ask them if they did eyebrows, so I went in and asked, and the lady thought I wanted to get my eyebrows done, so I had to explain it wasn't me but them.
So since it stunk to high heavens in there and the smell was making me and Shawn nauseous, we left and walked around the little plaza thing.
I tried to get him to go in and ask my mom if me and him could take a ride in the car, but he wouldn't.
Then we finally left.
We went home so it wasn't as big of an adventure as I thought it would be.
When we got home, the same movie was on.
Jen was about to start my hair when my mom asked me if I wanted tog o to Wal-Mart with her again so we could get a new propane tank for the grill because she wanted to make baked potatoes.
So me and Shawn left and went.
We got a new one and when we got home, the same movies was STILL ON!
I mean how long can one movie possibly be!
So then my mom asked Shawn to help her fix the umbrella thing on our table.
And we actually fixed it, kind of.
I think my mom was just glad I finally got a boyfriend who could actually use tools, or do anything handy for that matter.
Then we dyed my hair, which was fun, but also painful because of the way I had to lean over the tub.

It was a fun day.
Also it was the last day of summer break....

You're the lucky one or so I'm told;

So the other day, I did something that I'm having really mixed feelings about.
Me and Shawn were hanging out and we decided to go somewhere so we went to Chris Forbes house.
I wasn't aware that he is a huge pot head.
Like MEGA-HUGE!
He was smoking and he offered me the bong and I took it.
I hadn't done anything like that for 8 months.
But on the side-note I've never smoked out of an actual bong before.

I mean I liked it, but I just don't see the point.
I was proud of myself and now I feel like crap, kind of.
I don't know.
All I know for certain is that I'm definitely never doing it again.

I can't get over you;

Jesus Christ Superstar, I haven't been on here for more then a week.
Last week is such a blur compared to this week.
So, quick recap of what I remember.
Went to Sham's for swimming with Timmy and Robbie.
We rode there in a van being driven by a 15 year old without a license or permit, and when we got out Sham threw up all over the place.
He claims it was food poisoning, but I'm not so sure about that.
It was fun, we ate off of unicorn plates and watched The Blair Witch Project, and then went swimming.
Megan called and then me and Timmy took turns talking to her.
That's the only day I even remember from last week.
I think.
Everything seems to be blurring together recently.

This feeling inside has kept me up all night;

Well, my sleeping problems have returned once again.
I don't know what it is.
Sometimes I just cannot sleep at all.
I wish I knew why.
One day I'll sleep like a rock and the next I won't be able to fall asleep to save my life.
Maybe it's because I'm anxious for school to start.
But Then why was I having sleeping problems before?

Go on and play the leader;

They just can't do that!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!
THEY CANNOT POSTPONE THE HARRY POTTER MOVIE.

I have been waiting a long time for this and they are ruining it!
Stupid summer hit!
People will go see it anyway because it's Harry Potter.
This is really upsetting to me.

For you, I'd tear out my own heart;

Yesterday, I sat around and did basically nothing all day.
Until my mom said that she was going to Wal-Mart and I wanted to go to.
So I actually had to put pants on, because I've grown quite accustomed to wearing no pants around my house, and we left.
First we went to the Wal-Mart closest to our house.
We shopped and then when we had a full cart of stuff, my mom just randomly said "We're going to the other Wal-Mart"
I think she was mad at the people there because no one is too friendly at that one.
So we drove all the way to the other one, to discover that they didn't have the right kind of yogurt.
So after we bought everything there except the yogurt, we went back to the first Wal-Mart and she made me run in to get her yogurt.
While I was standing in line there was this really old lady one person in front of me and she kept dropping everything.
Then she almost forgot her bags.
Then she forgot to pay for some tuna and me being the kind person I am let her get in front of me to pay for it.

Then everything in my day was pretty boring.
I talked on the phone for like 3 hours though.
Most of it was to Megan.
It felt really nice to be able to talk to her for so long without any (excluding when my mother made me help her make her bed) interruptions.
I'm really glad that I could help with her problems.

Why does tonight have to end?;

On Saturday, me and my family went to Pennsylvania.
We went there for back to school shopping.
Why?
I have absolutely no idea.
It was still fun though.
I love long car rides.
They just give me a lot of time to think and to enjoy the scenery.
We went to a couple stores but then we left.
We decided to go to the Vans store in the Arundel Mills mall because we couldn't find any anywhere up there.

When we got there I couldn't remember exactly where the store was, so we went the long way by accident.
On the way, we ran into Ryan and Scott.
It was a pleasant surprise but I didn't get to say much because my mother kept walking after I stopped to talk to them and I had to follow.
And after all the shopping we did, I forgot to get a new backpack, so I'm just going to have to wait until I have a job I guess.

I just think back to school shopping is a good bonding time in my family.

I've got to move on and be who I am;

I was going to blog right now, but I've come to the realization that I am completely brain dead.
So I have no idea why I'm even writing this.
I guess I'll just write it all down tomorrow, but then I'll forget it all.
Oh, well.

I don't need you're sympathy;

You know sometimes, I find it difficult to end these blogs.
I have no idea what to write.
I feel like I should end on a point or something.
So sometimes I just end them.
Incomplete thoughts.
Oh well....

You can steal my heart but you can't kill me;

Everything is going perfectly.
Well, maybe not perfectly, but wonderfully.
I mean, I just feel happy all the time now.
When I'm alone or not.
I'm also apparently always smiling according to Ben, John, Manda and my dad.
But, what's not to smile about.
I'm getting along with my parents, I have the best friends in the world, I'm alive, and I haven't thought of Nigel once since a week ago until I wrote this.
But it's still not upsetting me.
I feel like nothing can bring me down right now.

I don't want to speak these words because I don't want to make things any worse;

Yesterday I went to Lindy's house.
Megan and Lindy were coming up to meet me by the alley near CVS.
All these people across the street at the bus stop were staring at me, and it was freaking me out.
Luckily Robbie came and saved me.
He walked up the alley with me until we saw Megan and Lindy.
We walked to Lindy's house and saw the sausage dog.
When we got there I drank so much water Megan called me a camel.

Then we kind of just sat on her stairs saying and doing stupid things.
We were doing nothing at all, yet everything at the same time.
That's how you know you're with you're best friends.

Then we started kicking around a weed eater box.
It hurt or feet but we did it anyway.
We ended up making a new sport called hocksybox.
We will go to the Olympics next year, even thought there are no Olympics next year.
On the way back to my house we were playing the acronym game.
When I was one street away these people stopped and asked me if I knew where 695 was.
I actually told them the right directions!
I was very proud of myself.
I know directions now.

When my mom got home we left to go do our back to school shopping.
First we went to our new stop for hair dye.
Then we dropped that off at the house.
We went to the mall, but first we ate.
I really think you should eat after you shop because you might get all bloated and fat feeling if you eat to much.
Anyway we went to go buy pant which was our main goal.
We got them but the people at the store forgot to take the sensor things off of almost all the clothes.
So when we went into Hot Topic we beeped.
So while we were there I found the most amazing jacket, besides my Harry Potter blazer.
I think I love that jacket more than anyone else.
Not really but I do love it.

You know how most girls have a thing for shoes?
I think I have a thing for blazers.
When I get older, instead of having a million pairs of shoes, I'll have a million blazers in my closet.

Anyway, we were walking around.
It made me realize how mush I miss going to the mall on Friday.
I'm definitely going next weekend my friends go.
Then we went to Wal-Mart.
I think we go there way to much.
I know exactly where everything is in almost every Wal-Mart around us.

Why don't we hit restart and pause it at our favorite parts;

Thursday was amazing.
I spent most of the day at home cleaning up after people and the other things I usually do at my house.
Then my schedule came.
FINALLY!
I wasn't as disappointed as I thought I would be.
I have lunch with Lindy and Katherine and other people.
I have world history with Lindy also.
I have math with Cheyenne.
Megan said that she was going to try and get switched to C lunch.

Then John and Ben came to my house and we went out.
We ended up walking to Amanda's house.
It started raining so we all walked to Ben's house.
I never thought I would go into Ben's house, but I did.
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
He did tape my hands together and cut up my plant thing, but at least he taped it back together.
We had to get out before Ben's mom came home so we went to the park, but me and Manda wouldn't tell John where we were going.
We swung on the swings, me and Manda that is.
I saw Keiron, whom I love, and it was great.

I love swings.
I could swing all night.
Literally all night.
It feels like you're flying.
Nothing really matters.
It makes you feel like a kid again.
I just love it.

So we decided to walk somewhere else because I felt like I was the only one still enjoying the swings.
We had no idea where to go.
So we started walking until we somehow ended up in front of Sham's house.
We decided to hang out there.
Robbie was there also.
We just stood around and talked then John left.
Me and Manda tried to switch clothes but it didn't work out to well.

Sham asked me out.
It was odd, because I liked him, and rarely when I like someone, they like me back.
I was taken aback, but I tried not to show it.
So he's my boyfriend now.
I really like my reinvented self.
I never would have went out with someone I hardly knew before.
I guess I want everything to change.

We walked home and covered Manda in caution tape that we took from a pole.
Robbie, Mike and Sham walked me all the way home.
It was a wonderful day.

My eyes burn from these tears;

Why do people fight so much?
I mean some days my sisters can't even open their mouths without fighting.
Then Tuesday will get all moody sometimes and hit me for no reason, but I just have to deal with it.
I hardly ever fight with people.
And I rarley ever resort to physical violence, beside pushing sometimes.
Then when Jen and Tuesday are fighting and I try to break it up, they get mad at me.
For no reason at all.
Violence is definitely not the answer.

Screams of lust we cry;

I love Spongebob.
I really do.
He's just so naive.
He doesn't have so many problems.
He's like a six year old.
Just living.
I wish I was like him.

You're everywhere to me;

Yesterday I almost died in Wal-Mart.
Me and my mom were just walking down the isle and all of a sudden I keeled over and started coughing and retching.
I was choking on something and I couldn't breathe.
It was weird, but oddly funny to me at the same time because I'm pretty sure that I was choking on my own spit.
People were walking past me and looking and then walking faster.
It just goes to show you that people don't care that much when someone is in danger.
I ran over to one of those mini freezer things they have at the front with the drinks and got a water.
It just so happened that the water I grabbed was DESANI!
It was blasphemy, it was the only kind of water they had refrigerated like that.
Wal-Mart and their darn trickery!

When presidents dropped blonde bombshells;

Surprisingly, I really miss the twins.
Which really doesn't make that much sense.
I mean all this time that they lived right up the street from me, I haven't seen them that much.
Megan has probably seen them more times then me this summer.
I miss not having them right there in case I want to visit randomly, or call them and tell them something.

I guess it's true that you don't really miss something until it's not there anymore.

Navigate me through your body;

Yesterday I was hanging out with John and Robbie.
I realized that me and John are closer friends then I knew.
We have so much in common.
I can't believe I used to hate him.
We walked up to the playground by the high school and got on the swings, but since there are only 2 we had to share.
They pushed me so high once that I almost flew out of the swing.
We walked around the lake, and sat on the pier for an hour and just talked.
It was nice.
Then Robbie went to Shams house so me and John walked up to the playground by the elementary school and hung out with Amanda.
It was so nice.
I used to think that Amanda didn't like me that much and John thought I was a bitch or something but that night made me realize that I over analyze everything way to much.

I'm sinking in cursory and I'm sinking headfirst;

I was supposed to call Nigel this weekend because I told him I would.
But I didn't.
And I'm surprisingly ok with that.
I don't feel bad, I'm not trying to make him mad or jealous.
I just don't care.
I'm thinking my feelings for someone else are preventing me from caring at all.

Maybe this is what moving on is.

Back up three steps and bite down on that bullet;

Today was amazing.
I went to the flea market with my dad.
I had to get up at 3:30 a.m.
And the first thing we did when we got there was unload heavy boxes.
Why do all of my days consist of heavy lifting in the morning lately?

Well, it was so dark this morning, we couldn't see what we were doing and people were already set up at 4 in the morning.
People kept walking by and shining flashlights in my eyes.
One guy though I was my dad's wife.
Creepy though much?

Well, we were there for about 8 hours.
I brought sun-block because my nose a little pink and I had to protect it.
The label said it lasted 6 hours.
I put it on three time and I still got sunburn.
I hate false advertising sometimes.

It was fun, but when I got home, I basically almost peed my pants because I hadn't went to the bathroom all day and then I passed out on the sofa.
Heat will make you tired.
It was still fun though.

Careful now, don't drown yourself in sorrow;

Saturday was amazing, in a sense.
Me and Megan went to War on the Shore, which was like a party where a lot of bands played.
I needed it so badly.

At first I felt really awkward.
I was doubting whether we should have even came at all.
Then suddenly, we were having fun.
It's just hard to explain how we can stand there and do nothing and still have a blast.

We somehow kept winding up in the corner.
Then we switched it up by moving to a different corner.
We ate dry broccoli and carrots.
We somwhow became anti-social people halfway through.
And we just stood and talked to Ryan and sat in the grass.

And everyone started getting in the pool but me and Megan didn't have any bathing suits and we were the only people.
So Ryan decided to throw me in with all my clothes on, even tough I was going to get in with them on anyway.
I'm really glad we decided not to leave early.
I had a wonderful time.
And I met new people.

Life's a chance so why not take it;

Yesterday was what I needed.
I needed to be around other people so I didn't drive myself crazy by dwelling on everything to much.
I needed to see my best friend and tell her everything and let her tell me everything.
I needed to get away from my family if just for one day, before they drove my insane, even if I had to deal with my mom when I came home.


All the walking yesterday and everyone being so happy and excited.
I guess it rubbed off on me because I wasn't even sad anymore.
When we walked in the rain everything just stopped, except the rain obviously, but my brain stopped working and I was just there in the moment and that's how I want things to be more often.


I had a dream last night though.
It was weird.
I was a painting and so was he, and we came together and embraced just perfectly in the painting, but when we were separated it looked like we were dancing.

My hopes so are high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me so I die happy;

Lungs collapse from all the wait.
A cold rushing feeling fills you body.
You want to give up.
You thrash and try to get up.
Waiting to be saved.
I thought that you meant it.
It feels so much like drowning

I want to make you move;

I need to go somewhere and be happy for the first time since I left Megan's house.
I'm going to that party this weekend, no excuses.

I promised my dad I would go to the flea market with him, but I can't.
I feel awful flaking out on my dad, but sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.
Unless the party starts kind of late, then I might be able to do both but I don't know.

All I know is Megan needs someone there to make her happy, and not be stuck inside her head dwelling on all her thoughts.
I'd drop everything for that.

The latest story of my life;

Everything is upside down right now.
Everyone in my family is actually being nice to me.
I'm the one who's avoiding everyone now.
I make plans with people and don't go and then don't even talk to them afterward.
I can't eat, which is usually what I want to do.
But for some unexplained reason I feel like I'm getting fatter by NOT EATING ANYTHING, how does that even make sense?
I can't tell whether I'm happy or sad, angry or excited.
It's like I walked through a mirror and saw what was on the other side.

Maybe this is why I need to reinvent myself.
Actually this might be what I reinvented myself to become.
If that's the case, I'd rather go back to my old self and just make some improvements.
I think that's what I might do.

Your memories will always haunt me like a ghost;

Have you ever felt like you needed someone.
I mean needed someone so badly that it hurt?
I need someone.
I need the person who walked out of my life a year ago to come back.
I can't take it, not one second longer.
It's so difficult to have someone there everyday, to talk to, but then they just leave one day, and you feel like you might never get them back.
It drives me insane every second their not here.

I hate how people can have control over me.
I hate how I still care, how I have to care.
Yet I could never give up caring.
I feel worthless and inferior to them now.
And I don't even know them anymore.
I want to hate them, but no matter how hard I try it isn't possible.
I want to tell them I never want to see their face again, I never want to hear their voice again, I never want to think about them ever again, but I know they would all be lies.
Plus I know that they are the only person who can make me come crawling back no matter what.
But after all, you can't hate love.


I don't know what their thinking, or if they ever think of me.
I can't tell when their lying, or telling it from the heart.
They make me cry and smile and ache, but they always know how to make me happy.
Amazing how one person can make you feel the whole void of human feelings in the course of 5 minutes.


I know I've written about this same exact thing at least four times, but I can't help it.
What do you do when it's all you think about?

Secrets don't make friends;

So this is what it all comes down too.
Me lying.
I think I have a serious problem.
In the past year I've told more lies than I can remember.
Not only to my parents to avoid getting punished but also to my friends and the people I care about most.

And now all those lies I've told are coming back to haunt me.
Their eating away at me from the inside until I feel like I'm about to break.
All I want to do now is go back and undo every lie I told.
I know I can't do that but I'm going to try.

I can't stand living a lie.

Could I make it more obvious?;

Yesterday I got to paint stuff.
It just made me feel inspired.
I was just spray painting some things for my backyard, but I would love to be a painter.
That could never happen though because I am a horrible artist.
I just love getting all messy, and everything.
I think it's sad how everything I wish I could, I can't because of lack of talent.

All I ever wanted it comes with a price;

Everyday I come up these great things to write in my blog, but before I can write get online, I forget them.
It's a shame really, because it always seems to be my best ones that I forget.


I just don't think I'm cut out for writing all the time.
I can think of something in my head that sounds so perfect, but when I try to write it down, it sounds messy and not so perfect anymore.
Sometimes I wish I had just one thing that I could say I was good at.

Am I supposed to be happy?;

Yesterday me and my dad went to look at dogs in the pound.
90% of them were pit bulls or had pit bull in them because we went to the city pound.
It smelled so bad, that when we left I almost threw up because I couldn't get the smell out of my mind.
Then the dogs were just barking and barking, it was so loud my ears were popping.

I really don't know how anyone could work there all the time.

We might possibly get a dog in two weeks.
=]

My words are as timed as the beating in my chest;

Nothing says safety like someone breaking in to your house.

This is the second time in a year that someone has broken into my dad's house.But I guess that's what you get for living in Brooklyn.
Surprisingly no one has ever actually stolen anything.
It's like they break in just to scare us.

I don't know it's just weird.
Having your house broken into is one of those things you hear about all the time, but you always think noting like that would ever happen to you.
It does.